Evaluate the lack of common sense of selfish train-goers.

It’s a busy day; you’re trying to get to work on time. You sit anxiously on the train, hurrying the driver through some sort of telepathy to get you there faster. Finally! Your stop. But wait, what’s this? Some inconsiderate know-it-all thinking it makes more sense to push in front to get onto the train before it has even had a chance to unload its current passengers? It is this, the lack of common sense of selfish train-goers, which shall be the topic of today’s essay.

It doesn’t take a genius, or a mathematician, or a physicist to work out that if you have a closed amount of space then only so many people can fit inside it at any one time. And it doesn’t take a rocket scientist, or an architect, or a visionary to be able to see that if you have a gap (a train door perhaps) of certain size, that it is simply not possible for a group of people to pass out through it when there is an equally large but much less aware group trying to force their way through in the opposite direction.

It has come to the point where I almost feel that train platforms should have their own traffic system – red to stop, green to go. Now, whether that would actually solve the issue of self-absorbed train-riders, I don’t know, but at least it would mean that people are trying to do something about it, instead of letting the problem fester and stagnate. I would much rather see a long line of idiots than a gaggle of them – at least then we would give off the impression that there is some sense of organisation within our society.

The fact that our lives (the lives of the non-idiots) are so greatly governed by all those brick-heads out there (the majority, unfortunately) is not only a statement of our failure as a society to curb the behavior of the ‘moronic neighbour’, but also a sign of the ever prevalent weakness of those WITH common sense. It saddens me to think that we, the ‘better’, as controversial as that may be, are being forced to succumb to the will of the idiotic, self-absorbed Neanderthals that surround us, due only to their sheer number. Even I, setting aside the fascist, racist, sexist, arguably over the top extremist possibilities, am lost as to how to deal with these futile creatures once and for all in a single massive sweep of these bugs that cover the formerly magnificent windshield of life.

And so, with lack of a solution as to how to rid ourselves of these ‘things’, I must simply sit back and watch as the world slowly comes to a grinding halt thus bringing human life and all existence on Earth to a swift end. And to think, all of this due simply to the random collection of atoms that created this army of &$#$-@!%!s.

A Rant Regarding Reality

Personally, I find it intriguing how all these issues connected to global warming and the potential destruction of the Earth should, in theory, bring us as members of the same planet together, yet, still, those very things causing the destruction of the Earth (use of oils, plastics, deforestation, and so on) are ripping us as a single species apart. I just find it interesting how we, as the future of the world, are taught about all of these matters and how we should and can avoid them, while, simultaneously, those currently in charge sit back and argue over cases that should really be able to sort themselves out, or should not have occurred in the first place. We don’t learn from our mistakes, no matter how much the government, or anyone else for that matter, tells us we do. Pessimism is the new optimism. In short, the world's f***ed, and so are all of us individually, so, frankly, let’s all just become weed smoking, sex driven hippie peace activists. I know I’d be happier doing that; wouldn’t you?

Loud chewers in cinemas should be gagged and thrown onto the streets. Discuss.

                I think it’s safe to say that one of the most annoying things that any person can do in the confines of a cinema is chew loudly. We have all been in a situation where the lady or gentleman sitting in front, behind or beside us has had a rare mouth deficiency preventing them from chewing with their mouth closed – or at least that’s what I presume the case to be, as I find it hard to believe that someone could be so inept and inconsiderate as to not chew with their mouth closed while amongst a crowd of people all trying to be silent in order to watch the motion-picture on the screen in front of them. While the sorts of people who, unfortunately, have contracted this oral disease vary greatly, the edible culprits always seem to be of the same variety.

“At number three we have… ice! Ah yes, ice. Cold watery goodness, condensed and made bite size! How convenient. Who could resist those wonderful cubes left stranded at the bottom of your coke cup after all those savory snacks left you parched beyond your wildest dreams?

At number two… crisps! Those beautifully crafted potato chips, baked and seasoned in order to provide you with your very own unique tasting experience. Oh the joys!

And finally, for the moment you’ve all been waiting for, the one, the only… popcorn!!! Yes, that’s right folks; we always knew he was a strong contender, but boy! I don’t think anyone expected him to win 12 years running!”

Yes, popcorn. The substance that provides that ever-present ‘crunch’ that some people are simply not able to resist making. Why they are unable to resist it, I shall never know. I find it a rather simple concept, actually. Step 1: take a piece of popcorn. Step 2: place popcorn in mouth. Step 3: close mouth. And step 4: chew, savour, swallow. Unfortunately, it would seem that far too many people forget step 3.

I can honestly say that I don’t think there is a more unappreciated sound in the vicinity of a cinema than that of the open-mouth popcorn crunch. How on Earth is one supposed to concentrate on a movie when the idiot sitting near you is munching away unnecessarily loudly, seemingly completely unaware of the fact that others can hear them! A surprise to all of us, I’m sure. And although many have told me that there is something deeply gratifying about eating popcorn loudly, I implore you not to do it in the cinema – if you really wish to eat popcorn loudly just buy a few hundred bags and stay at home all day, munching as loudly as you want; that way, we’re all winners: you get to chew out loud, and we don’t have to put up with you, you miserable oaf.

And so, to come to my conclusion, it is because of this, the immeasurable level of irritation caused by the aforementioned ‘miserable oafs’, that leads me to support the (definitely not over the top) notion that any person found guilty of chewing out loud unnecessarily should be gagged using their own t-shirt, and thrown out of the cinema by two hulking black men – don’t ask about the specifics, just go with it. Thank you.

Evaluate the level of irritation caused when a Swede says the phrase 'really much'.

I have noticed, as of late, that increasingly so I am hearing the phrase ‘really much’ being used amongst Swedes. Speaking now to all such people: I can fully understand that English is not your first language, and that Swedish, being a Germanic language by origin, will be significantly different regarding certain areas of grammar. However, when I remind you that that phrase does in fact make absolutely no sense, even in the slightest, but you then continue on to use it in front of me, I become a little disgruntled. Considering the abominable sentence ‘I like that really much’, I remind you that that is a pile of complete and utter manure. You could say ‘I like that VERY much’, or ‘I VERY much like that’, but trying to argue with an Englishman that ‘I like that really much’ is correct grammar is, to say the least, a mistake. Saying ‘I like that really much’ is about on par with saying ‘I really very like that’, or, to stray momentarily from the set phrase, ‘I cat flower run’ – do you understand where I’m coming from now?

                This having been said, I do not hold the Swedish children responsible for this outrage. If you track back slightly to where these gullible, naïve children are learning THEIR form of English (and I say THEIR form because at this point it’s strayed so far from true English at times that we don’t even want to claim it as our own language) then we can get slightly closer to the root of the problem. The Swedish teaching system is debatable, at the very least. Some argue that it does a magnificent job. Others would argue that it does a terrible one. I am of the latter. Any teacher who, supposedly, knows the English language and has even been given permission to teach the future of their country that language then you would be rather shocked to hear that they, for many years now, sit back and relax as their prosperous, or perhaps not so prosperous, students unintentionally pick up and start speaking complete rubbish. I would have thought that those teachers whose job it is, the job they are being paid to do, would have the common sense and courtesy to stand up every now and again and point out that the nonsense coming out of their mouths is so far from correct that they should really be ashamed of themselves, and go have a time out in the corner, perhaps. Yet alas, the teachers do nothing, and simply continue to eat their pickled Herring and admire their Volvo V70 – which looks EXACTLY LIKE EVERYONE ELSES, I might add.

                And so, to conclude, I sincerely hope that you, the Swedish people, realise exactly what you’re doing to our language, and I ask you from the bottom of my heart to simply choose a different set of words to describe how much you like something. I would really much appreciate that.

Discuss the morality of those who stop still at the end of escalators.

                The Devil. Satan. Lucifer. These are the sort of words that spring to mind when one thinks of the sort of people who decide to ignore the rest of the universe for a moment just so that they are able to get a sense of bearing, totally regardless of the fact that there are huge, massive in some cases, signs right in front of their faces put in place for the sole reason of allowing one to read and acknowledge where they are before they reach the bottom or top of the escalator so as to prevent exactly what they then, undoubtedly, proceed on to do! Now, the reason that the previously mentioned words spring to mind is because we all know that anyone with that level of social unawareness and lack of sympathy for those around them must in fact be, that’s right! The God damned Devil, or close enough to it. I find it impossible to believe that these sort of people have any morals or self-consciousness, and it’s because of this that I am driven to support the idea that they are heartless, soulless, unforgiving people (if we can even call them that) who have been sent down to Earth only to aggravate and just generally piss off everyone with which they happen to come in contact.

                Now, you may also have noticed that, more often than not, the people (who we shall call ‘people’ for argument’s sake) caught committing such outrages are foreign, usually Asian, American (though I won’t even begin with them) or Eastern-European, it would seem. Which brings me on to my next point quite nicely – foreigners, all foreigners, are evil, and largely unwanted. If you are able to put aside the idea of a stable economy, and fairness and justice and equal opportunity, and simply focus on the prospect of an Englishman’s livelihood, then perhaps you will be able to better understand why foreigners, especially the French, should be kept abroad, where they belong. I, for one, feel as if our great nation is becoming overwhelmed by unappreciative allsorts, who, by and large, could be done without. If the great people of England are forced into having to deal with the stragglers, the hecklers, the unsolicited imposters, and live in fear of being confronted by one asking ‘where tower London?’, then surely we should be able to see and understand that it would be best for our society if they simply left, and never came back…. Ever – not only due to the fact that they prove nothing but an inconvenience, but also their complete lack of grammar or appreciation for our magnificent language that has us all pushed to the edge.

                And so, to return to my original point, I think we can all agree, as we will all have, at some point, been in a situation riding an escalator and suddenly having that terrible feeling of ‘I just know the person in front of me is a complete moron’, that, to sum up, all foreigners should be sent back to wherever the hell they came from, and any person that dares stop at the end of a moving staircase should immediately be shot. No discussion. A simple solution. (And please do excuse all the commas.)