Loud chewers in cinemas should be gagged and thrown onto the streets. Discuss.

                I think it’s safe to say that one of the most annoying things that any person can do in the confines of a cinema is chew loudly. We have all been in a situation where the lady or gentleman sitting in front, behind or beside us has had a rare mouth deficiency preventing them from chewing with their mouth closed – or at least that’s what I presume the case to be, as I find it hard to believe that someone could be so inept and inconsiderate as to not chew with their mouth closed while amongst a crowd of people all trying to be silent in order to watch the motion-picture on the screen in front of them. While the sorts of people who, unfortunately, have contracted this oral disease vary greatly, the edible culprits always seem to be of the same variety.

“At number three we have… ice! Ah yes, ice. Cold watery goodness, condensed and made bite size! How convenient. Who could resist those wonderful cubes left stranded at the bottom of your coke cup after all those savory snacks left you parched beyond your wildest dreams?

At number two… crisps! Those beautifully crafted potato chips, baked and seasoned in order to provide you with your very own unique tasting experience. Oh the joys!

And finally, for the moment you’ve all been waiting for, the one, the only… popcorn!!! Yes, that’s right folks; we always knew he was a strong contender, but boy! I don’t think anyone expected him to win 12 years running!”

Yes, popcorn. The substance that provides that ever-present ‘crunch’ that some people are simply not able to resist making. Why they are unable to resist it, I shall never know. I find it a rather simple concept, actually. Step 1: take a piece of popcorn. Step 2: place popcorn in mouth. Step 3: close mouth. And step 4: chew, savour, swallow. Unfortunately, it would seem that far too many people forget step 3.

I can honestly say that I don’t think there is a more unappreciated sound in the vicinity of a cinema than that of the open-mouth popcorn crunch. How on Earth is one supposed to concentrate on a movie when the idiot sitting near you is munching away unnecessarily loudly, seemingly completely unaware of the fact that others can hear them! A surprise to all of us, I’m sure. And although many have told me that there is something deeply gratifying about eating popcorn loudly, I implore you not to do it in the cinema – if you really wish to eat popcorn loudly just buy a few hundred bags and stay at home all day, munching as loudly as you want; that way, we’re all winners: you get to chew out loud, and we don’t have to put up with you, you miserable oaf.

And so, to come to my conclusion, it is because of this, the immeasurable level of irritation caused by the aforementioned ‘miserable oafs’, that leads me to support the (definitely not over the top) notion that any person found guilty of chewing out loud unnecessarily should be gagged using their own t-shirt, and thrown out of the cinema by two hulking black men – don’t ask about the specifics, just go with it. Thank you.